Desperate again

When my life is busy I tend to get desperate for weight lose, I never achieve it but desperate never the less.

I have 3 holidays booked for this year so far, already and its not march yet. So in the last week I have been looking at slim fast again, Celebrity slim, Hypoxi tone, colon flush (which I've never done, not sure you can lose weight doing it but can definitely feel much better in yourself!).

Anyway I have booked my colonic irrigation and started slim fast. I did want to go to hypoxi tone for the 4 week course but it is just out of my league price wise. what's funny is I got married in October and never once got motivated to lose weight. I tend to kid myself into thinking that I'm motivated because I want it so badly but surely if I was serious, i would do the things I should and the weight fall off me.

I'm lazy, I'm greedy, I use food to dull my feelings. I don't believe I have a 'fat' gene or born to be fat. I believe that my wanting for food is something that has been nurtured in me and I nurture those traditions, I hold them dear and i don't want to let go.

I have been brought up to nurture the concept that food is a reward.....'eat all your dinner and you can have pudding'. 'If you are good you can have a 10p mix bag'. 'its Christmas lets have special treats'. 'Its Saturday lets bake'. The concept is that food is this special celebration in life, and its rewarding.

Rewarding yourself makes you feel good so of course that then carries over into emotional eating, you don't feel good and you want to feel better so have a rewarding bite, only you don't feel better you feel worse so you eat more to feel better and the cycle is repeated daily. As you have just read...I know what my problem is, I'm not stupid! but can i stop this cycle. I've tried and tried and failed miserably it does make me feel like I'm stupid. I want to be a success in this but i fear that this is me now, fat, miserable, on a permanent diet. That's my lot in life, it's not a lot, just my life!! and it saddens me! people have told me...just be happy with who you are, feel good in your own skin and get on with it. NO.......I WON'T!!!!