My View

Desperate again

2009-02-24T16:17:00.000-08:00

When my life is busy I tend to get desperate for weight lose, I never achieve it but desperate never the less.

I have 3 holidays booked for this year so far, already and its not march yet. So in the last week I have been looking at slim fast again, Celebrity slim, Hypoxi tone, colon flush (which I've never done, not sure you can lose weight doing it but can definitely feel much better in yourself!).

Anyway I have booked my colonic irrigation and started slim fast. I did want to go to hypoxi tone for the 4 week course but it is just out of my league price wise. what's funny is I got married in October and never once got motivated to lose weight. I tend to kid myself into thinking that I'm motivated because I want it so badly but surely if I was serious, i would do the things I should and the weight fall off me.

I'm lazy, I'm greedy, I use food to dull my feelings. I don't believe I have a 'fat' gene or born to be fat. I believe that my wanting for food is something that has been nurtured in me and I nurture those traditions, I hold them dear and i don't want to let go.

I have been brought up to nurture the concept that food is a reward.....'eat all your dinner and you can have pudding'. 'If you are good you can have a 10p mix bag'. 'its Christmas lets have special treats'. 'Its Saturday lets bake'. The concept is that food is this special celebration in life, and its rewarding.

Rewarding yourself makes you feel good so of course that then carries over into emotional eating, you don't feel good and you want to feel better so have a rewarding bite, only you don't feel better you feel worse so you eat more to feel better and the cycle is repeated daily. As you have just read...I know what my problem is, I'm not stupid! but can i stop this cycle. I've tried and tried and failed miserably it does make me feel like I'm stupid. I want to be a success in this but i fear that this is me now, fat, miserable, on a permanent diet. That's my lot in life, it's not a lot, just my life!! and it saddens me! people have told me...just be happy with who you are, feel good in your own skin and get on with it. NO.......I WON'T!!!!

My Diet list

2009-02-18T17:27:00.000-08:00

I decided to have a look at how many diets I have been on. Some of them I couldn't remember but the ones I could I have written down here.

Slim Fast – worked lost a bit of puppy fat, I didn’t have much to lose I was 14.
Pot Noodle Diet – went on it for 3 wks ended up collapsing I was 17.
Vegetarian – thought this would help but it didn’t, then one day my dad was making hot dogs with fried onions and its never smelt or tasted as good as that day.
Cabbage Soup diet – OMG!!! Nasty Flatulence!!
Richard Simmons – Sweatin’ to the oldies, lost 16 pounds then got bored with it.
Susan Powter - Stop the insanity, lost 40lbs then got bored.
Gwen Shamblin - The Weigh Down Diet, lost 30lbs even lead a class, don’t know what happened, just kept pushing boundaries because I got bored.
Body for life – Bill Phillips, lost weight and inches. It was a 12 week program, I felt it promised more than I got.
Weight Watchers – 6lbs in 3weeks, felt it was too much work, counting, adding, subtracting, just to eat a meal.
Slimming World – After years of training myself not to overeat, this one tells you, you can overeat and lose weight…..thanks slimming world for putting me back at the beginning again, took me years to stop overeating afterwards and it wasn’t even worth it.
Keep it off for life – run by the NHS. This was a great 3 month class, I enjoyed it, I learned a lot…I lost 4 inches off my waist, I’m still the same weight as I was when I started.
I can make you thin – Paul Mckenna read the book. It was a non-starter as I got bored after a few days.

There has been other diets in between, I’ve done some diets more than once. I’m tired now. I’m tired that my bones are weary for carrying around this weight, I’m tired that I feel unmotivated, I’m tired of hearing that I’ll lose weight if I see a therapist, or persevere, stick at it. I’m tired of thinking about food, I’m tired that my weight consumes my life, I’m tired of hearing myself whining. I wish I didn’t have to eat to live, I wish I could have the will and determination others seem to have, I wish I had the money to go to a health spa so I didn’t have to think about this stuff, I wish I had the money for lipo and tummy tucks. I wish I didn’t have my bones reminding me that they are tired.

Where do I start?

2009-02-18T14:17:00.000-08:00

I have been thinking a lot lately about all these thoughts that are going round in my head, thinking well maybe I should write it down, clear my head, get it all off my chest, even if no one reads it, surely I'll feel better! Well if you are reading this thank you for being the one!!

I am 37, have 2 boys ages 16 and 11, newly married, 16 stone 5lbs, size 22 and I've been on a diet since I was 14.

Why was I on a diet when I was 14 and a size 12? I'd give anything to be back there...wow! a size 12. As I look back on it now, I may still be a size 12 if I hadn't gone down the dieting path. I'm so big now because I followed a diet lost a little weight then because the diet wasn't maintainable went back to regular eating and BAM!! Weight comes back on plus more, its a constant game of 2 steps forward and 3 steps back, I'm going nowhere fast, it is infuriating, frustrating, annoying but I'm not a failure! Apparently!........Well that's what the diet books say...you know the ones that tell you not to diet as they don't work and then continue to tell you what diet you need to follow in order to not be on a diet!!!!!! The one that tells you, its the diet that failed not you.....OH REALLY!!!! Then how come there is photographic evidence that the diet works??? Huh!!!! Mrs Blatch from Crawley lost a whole person when she used the diet. IF DIETS DON'T WORK WHY DO THEY WORK FOR EVERYONE BUT ME???????